I will...

...update soon promise, just so much bad stuff happened.

intermission

There is stuff to post, feelings to air, anger to shout. However im tired so very tired, stories will wait...enjoy the music instead...

Play this track

I bet you sang, smiled, tapped your feet or even got up and danced.

Oh and I am sorry you will be singing this now for a few days.....

Word is getting round...

...now have a black and white cat visitor, no collar on this one and is still quite shy, really hungry though, put some biscuits out and he/she finished in no time...soon I will have no bed for cats!!

Oh and Im ok by the way....lets hope I sleep tonight

Sleep

Had about 12 hours this week, Im feeling ok suprisingly, I am more resiliant than I thought!

Ninny has moved in....

Washing machine has packed up..

Oh well such is eh?

Doctor

I saw him last week, we are reducing the meds, think it is time that my head tried to deal with stuff again. I am worried of course, I have not slept for last 3 nights apart from an hour or two, my energy reserve is about to run out, no matter how tired I am as soon as I lay down, I am wide awake and irritated.

Feeling sad, but dont think that is too do with meds, I got email from government about strimmers and hogs and it was a load of fucking avoiding wiping our hands of crap. I hear stories about ppl that abuse hogs, set fire to them. A man that had a mum and new born hogs in garden and rang Derick to come get them else he would dig them up and put them out onto the road as he did not want them in his garden. I fucking wish I had been there, he would have had all barrels, I want his name and address to name and shame the bastard, sorry for swearing but it warrants it, I know you will understand.

Do I really want to bring a child into this world as it is right now? With fuck wits who are uncaring and not worried about anything apart from their own selves.

People who lie and cheat for their own gains, no matter what the outcome. To be selfish in my opinion is one of the worse traits a person can have. To just think of you own gain..

Im sad Im tired Im despondent, but have to try, have to try and make this life the people in my life be aware. Its all I can do.

Oh and why is it that it is so difficult for me to find love? Why is my life at a stand still, so still I am tripping over it. Others around and I do not begrudge anyone happiness, love..

Just when will be my turn huh?

Saturday night....

Been over to Phill and Sveta's, looked after Nata whilst they went shopping...

sorry this was going to be long post but I have just been sick and feel a little shakey will update soon....

Yes

....I have thought about adoption and one of my "life" plans was to adopt as well as have my own children...still is a plan one day.

Oh my hasnt the weather been lovely the last few days....set for rain now, still thats the way life goes huh?

I have to try

..........despite all my worried I have to see on this one, never has some one touched me so deeply...if I dont I will be full of what if's...never has my life been lived my what if's, if i get hurt then i get hurt.

better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all??????

He does love me, he is not an a.hole ha ha.

I cant not see where this goes, the way we found each other is fate, I dont live life with regrets and I am a brave soul...

Let you know Monday...

Love

Now it should be the one emotion that we all want in one form or another. Meant to be the best feeling to be loved and to feel love. We love our friends, our favourite song or food, or the man/woman we want to spend our life time with.

What happens in my reality though is I fall in love with the wrong ones, not bad ones all the time. In fact this one was completely the right one, I have never met some one that has been so in tune with me. Never met him I know, but the feelings were so real, the talk the laugh the sillyness, the teasing all real. As you know though he is married. I wanted to think really wanted to think that I could handle that.

I cant.

For some one that I have such strong feelings for (yeah I know it sounds mad) my soul mate (yeah I know), my one true love (if you dont believe that I do not care) the person I have been looking for all my life. How can I be with him when I would not want him to be else where.

Its when I lay down that it all comes crashing in. Where is he now, sharing a bed with some one else when he should be in mine. Of course I have no right at all to take him away. I strongly believe that if some one wants to leave their partner then it should be because they want to, not for some one else. I am the one that has the lonely bed, the being on my own and no number of texts or calls or chat could ever make up for that.

Knowing me like I kind of do, I will get and already am sulky over this. I will get demanding, demand more time, need and crave more time. Be with me be with me. The times he would be away with his family would kill me, why is it not me there with him. Why is it never fucking me??

Seriously is my life just one long piss take. Yep here is a great guy, one you connect with on all levels, but btw you cant and never will have him.

I have stopped this tonight, I can not bare the thought of my true love ending up hating and resenting me, which is what will happen, with all the will in the world that is what will happen.

I of course ask myself why I let myself get into this, plus why can I not take it at face value for what it is. Simple really ..

I just want some one that will love and only love me and be and only be with me..

Tears are rolling, but tomorrow is a new day, time to try and pick myself up again, gets harder each time now, especially as I know deep deep down in my heart there will never be a love like this was and could have been for me.

My life is a piss take and Im sick of it, this must be some cruel joke for me to fall like this, find the one and not be able to have.

I just can not keep doing this anymore.

Body tired....mind racing

Jan thanks for you comments, I really do appreciate them as this whirlwind is knocking me off my feet some what. I cant help it, the feelings are out of this world, from both sides. Now I have been hurt many times in the past and my initial reaction to any attention is too push away. Of course part of me says, this is crazy do not do it, do not have these feelings, stop now whilst you can (hmm). I have been through it in my mind time and time again.

Yes I could be taken for a ride (been there) could be just a sex thing, could be a weird man who gets off on this kind of thing. Could be the biggest mistake I ever make.

However, I trust these instincts and I do not feel or think that any of the above are true. It feels like I have come home, I am safe I am loved, I am wanted and cared for. Its amazing I have been waiting for this all my life and now its here, I have to take a chance on it..dont I...would you not?

This might sum it up for you,,

you know who you are

I know...im sorry

Hmmm update did not quite happen, ok holiday was cool, weather not bad. I got an all over tan (yes) uhm broke my phone on the last night..bugger! Now it feels a million years ago since I went!

Its been work work work, not sure about the new boss, I dont gel with her. I am finding it difficult at the moment, but I try and just get on with my job, sales are going well and im still a top girl in the area!

Hogs are happy, still no sign of Ruby but I like to think of her out there meeting a boy hog and making lots of baby hogs.

Ninny has practically moved in, I have tried to put her out, told her to go back to her owner but she keeps coming back..silly thing, plus I am allergic to her, not great when she chooses to sleep on my bed!

Phill, Sveta and Nata are fine, have not seen a lot of them this week as I have been trying to catch up with things here. Spoke to Phill earlier who mentioned this. I love being with them and they ask me every day, but I was finding I was getting behind on my chores so its been good to get some stuff done here.

Some times life throws up some surprises, this has been the case this week. I have been talking to a chap about (some of you will know what and I will blog it at some point) He has blown me away, instant connection which is rare and unnerving to a point. I am not sure what is going to happen, I have said what I would like and what I need, but of course its not that easy, this is my life remember...yeah he is married...However I would not break up a family, this is again a tough one..

Need shower, will try and update again very soon..

....

......holiday tummy.....loosing holiday fat fast...........

I am back...

...but I want to be away again, very quickly...run down of events, some good some not so.

I booked the holiday on the Sunday and early hours of Monday, Phill took me to Stanstead, much preferred than Gatwick or Heathrow thats for sure. Was minutes to missing the flight as the queue for security was so long, my flight had boarded and was just just just in time!! Managed to sleep most of the flight which was cool and I had 3 seats to myself. There was some people on the flight that I found very annoying but I am really trying to stop thinking in that way..

Got to the other end and all was fine. I got my taxi and still half asleep I was taken to the place I was staying...and YES they had my booking and I got a wonderful room, really big, my own HUGE private balcony, air-con, fridge etc etc All good I am thinking, weather also nice.

I was very tired the first few days, think thats always the way, body just needs to shut down, brain switch off and forget about lots of things, well thats me anyway. Found the first three days I mainly slept by the pool on the beach or in my room, I did not even really eat for those days.

Eventually my body and brain came back to me and I was able to then venture out a little more. There was not that much to do or see in the place I was staying at..oh Portugal by the way..ha ha...Caveriro to be exact but to be honest that was what I was looking for, if there had of been lots and lots to do, I would have beaten myself up for taking time out and relaxing by the pool reading, or going for walks with no real purpose.

Weather wise, it was not so bad, many people were moaning that it was cloudy or that we had an afternoon of rain. But mostly it was hot and sunny, I even sun bathed topless!!! Food was excellent. I only had breakfast in the hotel, which was ok, again people moaned, but what do they expect..if they wanted the traditional english breakfast why go away to another country that does not get the same type of food that we do. They moaned at having to wait to get to the drink machine, moaned if they had to wait 3 mins to get a table, maybe they should get up earlier, I never really had the same problems. I wish though that they could be taped and have it played back to them, they might realise how silly they sound. But as I said earlier I am trying to be less critical of others, none of us are perfect, but petty moans do make me mad.

Another thing though, is women are odd, they are on their sun loungers (yes I was an early type that put my towel out and I am not ashamed to admit it!) Sun is out they are in bikinis or swim suit, sun is covered by cloud they get dressed, trousers, top etc...two mins later sun is out, they undress, two mins later cloud they dress again...whats that all about??

Well I will finish this tomorrow as I am tired, had crap bad day and just want to have nice bath and put head down...to be continued..

Passport is packed

Im off to spend a week on a beach, hope the weather is kind to me...really need to recharge the old batteries...have house and hog sitter coming..yay..best get ready to fly..see you soon...

not sleepy

Its gone 4 am, been on Internet for good while now....catching up on stuff, looking at stuff.

Forgot to say on previous blog I am teaching Nata!!! You would not imagine what she has to know before school in September, has to be able to read, write, add up etc...different in my day!! Plus now its all the phonics, I am learning that myself at the moment.

Remember this is a four year old Russian girl, her English is coming along a treat, but I am working hard and some times a little mean with her when she wont sit and learn..I take away her gold stars..yeah sounds mean, but she is behind as she is not English and I will not have that. Not as I want her to be some child genius, but I know how hard school is, as we all do and if you are different or behind, sorry but you don't have much chance plus it leaves you open..

Nata is a bright girl though and is picking it up lovely, we are doing numbers right now. However some she does right backwards as some Russian is written backwards. Good job they are sponges at this age..we are also learning a little french, I want the best for her, want her to be a success, have a real happy and fulfilled life. That is why I spend so much time with them..they are my family. For once I have a real family that cares and loves me. They want to spend time with me, its hard for me to deal with at times as I am not used to it, but I do really enjoy it. The feelings that I am part of that family an important part makes me smile big time!!

Its letters soon....OH BOY that will be hard I know...

Honest....

...guv's I am ok, really well apart from...

Finally clearing the sinus infection after 4 weeks of hell, to start hay fever season. Had to go docs and get a pump to stop the coughing and near choking. Also my blood pressure is slightly high, but dont think its to worry about, thing as I have a lot of nervous energy and do not easily relax is the reason. For my dizziness and fainting spells, which he puts to the fact I had the sinus thing and bad ear ache he has given me some pills which have worked a treat, they are for vertigo and anxiety...at least now my forehead will be saved another cut from walking/falling into the door...yeah a bonny sight I am!

Having no man again, Im ok about, I miss him of course but well if it was meant to be and all that...

Ninny woke me this morning, she must have come in through the window again in the night. Having paws pad you first thing, when you are not expecting it is odd I can tell you. I rang her owner just to see if she had run off again and also to tell him that she was here in the night. He seems happy that I am not a cat hater and shouting at him!! I could not knowingly hurt any animal. Plus much better than any alarm clock...at least he knows I guess that if she is this way she will not get harmed. She is a wanderer, which does still surprise me as she is way too affecionate for a cat..

Work is ticking along, still not sure what to do..

Not really been out of late, still giving myself time..

I have the week off next week....wonder what I will do..?

tough in it

thats life right now. I am ok please do not worry, but recent events have left me a little sad and thinking. Not sure but think a move would be god, but I thought I had stopped running away from stuff that I can not handle.

Its a no win no loose thing. Tonight for a little thing that was given to me I started to cry and I liked it, was a release, have not cried for a while for a reason and it reminded me of man. Guess I just felt lonely and again on my own, which is ok as I know the reasons why, but not easy for me to put here.

Some times I just want some one in the near to me way say "how are you" not just can you do this and this is not right or can you do this. Some times the old brave face does not want to keep coming out.

Still maybe I just need to fuck off some where, that seems very tempting.....

Oh and I am fine by the way....

Good and bad

I left a message on the phone of he owners of ninny, he called me tonight. He lives over the road, apparently she likes to wander. Odd though he says that he was putting her food out but she was coming over here to eat the hog food. He was happy to have her back which was good, but I will miss her, even though today I did keep putting her out and telling her to go home, to only have her jump back through the window!!

Oh well...

Loose a man gain a......

Ginger cat..now this cat has always hung around, many a time I have saved from the road etc...imagine my shock when I found her in the hog feeding station!!

Now she has figured out that she can jump up and through the window and has spent the last few nights asleep with me on my bed. She has a tag but the last time I called there was no answer. I do not know what to do.

Ninny as she is called is so affectionate, I can not believe that she would stray from home as she cuddles up right close to my face and sleeps on my legs so I can not move!

If I ring again, I do not know what to say, I have given her a little food, but she comes in for the fuss more than the food...what do I say? Or shall I just enjoy the company? She can go whenever she wants as she comes and goes via the window...

What shall I do??

spoke too soon

am single again!!!!

Quick update

as I must be off to bed soon, but realised that I have not updated blog for ages!! One reason is my new family, I spend probably 4 or so nights there a week. Nata is lovely and man does she have some energy or what! She has started nursery and loves it, even though on her first day she asked the other kids to be her friends, but they said no..she was asking in Russian tho!!

Sveta and Phillip are ok, its going to be hard as they need to settle into the whole married life thing, I feel for them I really do they have been thrown into it as they could not do it any other way, still I am there to support as much as I can. Sveta wants another baby, she is 38 and I understand her need to get this going, also she wants to have wedding here and nata christened, plus decorate house! This has over whelmed Phill so much, I know him too well so I know when his head is too full. Still this is for them to work out. However I do nip him in the bud when he is being sarcastic or mean, he asked me too so I do that!

We all went to Shepreth on Monday, no camera as I knew that I would be pulled from pillar to post, which I was. I am aunt Nicola. I love it, but man does it tire me out!!

Uhm Ruby was released have not seen her for a bit now, I am worried but not much that I can do really. Have 2 others coming and the other night had one in to remove some tics, they was in his ears poor thing, not the easiest place either to get at I can tell you. Still we managed to get them all out.

Have new boss at work, she is very sales orientated, very much come on lets do it! Or you better have a better day tomorrow! I am ok for now though as I am number 2 in the area out of about 45-50 sellers. For now I am safe but you can never be complacent enough to relax! Still the money is good, I will keep doing it for now, but I really do want a change again.

The love life....well dont want to say too much as dont want to jinx it, but will say I am happy. I am happy with the way things are going, its cool being relaxed and having a laugh with some one. Plus the kissing, holding hands and cuddling is cool. We are also going away for a night (hopefully) soon. I know that we are not serious serious and I will admit I did have a problem with this initially, but to be honest its like we meet for the first time each time. I feel wanted and cared for and thats good enough for me right now, plus well the other stuff..OH YES YES YES!

Uhm so all in all life is ok right now, ticking along nicely, still cant get rid of the nagging feeling that some thing will go wrong or it will all end, but guess that is because of how its been in the past. Another reason why it is good that we are not serious serious as I should not get hurt if it all goes tits up. We will see.

Ok off to bed for me..

How come???

When you are single there is a baron desert?

When you are sort of involved in cool way, the offers come in?

Oh thanks btw for the comments on boo, really helped me

Am I

Happy or sad?

You will note the date and probably the time I am writing this. Its been on my mind a while as the date has seemed to have come around so quickly yet seems an age ago now.

Seems like it was years since I was chatting with Boo, not sure why, as there is not many a day when I do not think about her, some thing happens and I think oh I must tell her she will laugh and then I remember Boo has gone. Then I think how lucky I have been to have known such a kind and giving person, even if for a short time, some people dont get that all their lives.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason, we meet people for a reason, we have our life stuff for a reason. I just can not think why she had to pass though and I wish and wish I had known her sooner. I wish I had done more to help her when she needed it most, but as we all know she never really told us how difficult it had got or how ill she was, I am sad about that.

Some times I find myself talking to her in my head, asking her what I should do and ask her for a sign, maybe wishful thinking but I do always get them in one way or the other. Maybe I will see a bird that she liked or some lettering that has her name, its hard to explain and yeah maybe I have been looking for it, but I can and will not accept that her soul and spirit has demised with her body. Boo has to be out there some where, probably not playing a harp or chasing the devil, but her spirit was so strong she cant be gone I just can not think that she is not the wind whistling in the trees, or the bird song that wakes me up at silly o'clock.

I do think of the good stuff I read her blog and laugh at her humour and wit and I want to celebrate her life. My thoughts are also with her family they must miss her so much I know we do.

A great lady passed a year ago, pleas do take the time even if just one minute and remember her. Also please leave a comment about your best boo moment. I would love to read them and remember them.

As for you boo, I think about you, you know I still talk to you and I am sorry for asking lots from you. But I miss you.

I miss you


I miss you